it’s really hard for me to write this morning, as i don’t think i am still over my shock from being laid off friday morning.

this whole weekend, i could not write.  i could not articulate the myriad of emotions and thoughts that were flowing through me and my head as i took the past few days to process what has just happened with my job.  i have been going through a mixture of bewilderment, disorientation, numbness, disbelief, and hesitation.

we have all been hearing about our country’s ailing economic condition, on financial crises, on a rising unemployment rate, on diminishing consumer spending.  many businesses have been getting bought out (ie, wachovia by wells, merrill by bofa), merged, and/or have gone bankrupt (ie, lehman brothers).  even starbucks isn’t doing too hot.  we have been losing consumer confidence, as we hear about our retirement accounts losing tremendous value, retail not doing so well, and the auto industry needing some serious help.  and of course, thousands of people across the country have been losing their jobs, or will over the next several months.  the US is in a recession.

the thing is, i didn’t think that i would become affected much, if at all.  sure, the gas prices went up a few months ago — my monthly gas budget went up by a few dollars.  not much at all, given my car-less lifestyle.  and yes, my IRAs suffered just like most everyone else’s — to date, i have lost about $7000-8000 in value.  other than that though, life seemed to continue along swimmingly.

then, with a shock, i lost my job on friday.

obviously, i was mistaken, and plenty naive.  apparently many of us have not been or will not be recession-proof.

as mentioned earlier, many things have been going through my head and heart over the past few days.  at the same time, it almost feels as though nothing has been going on in my head as i continue to be up and down in my shock.

i am not depressed from this turn of events; at least i don’t think so.  what i know for sure is that i am surprised, disappointed, bewildered, slightly lost, mildly dejected, saddened, and thus overwhelmed.

many questions seem to surface immediately after my job loss, including but not limited to:

• why me?  why not someone else in the company?
• what now?
• do i have enough money to prevail until i figure things out?
• how much time do i have to figure things out?
• what are the best things to do first?

the expected shock and dejectedness aside, i must point out that i have also been experiencing a notable level of relief, excitement, and extra energy.  this conflicting array of emotions has been immensely overwhelming, exhausting, and confusing indeed.

as you may know from a previous post, i have been struggling with the idea of leaving the job in order that i may pursue a freelancing career.  as a result, when i have moments when i can look and feel past my disbelief and sadness, i also see a huge window of opportunity!  if i really truly wanted to go freelance, this turn of events is surely a blessing in disguise no?  isn’t this what i wanted??

yes.  and no.  i wanted to go independent, but i suppose i wanted to do this on my own terms.  i believe that as human beings, we all crave a certain degree of control over our own environments.  as such, being told that i was being discarded due to a lack of financial resources is not exactly what i had in mind.  i did not want to be sent away. this is quite different from my plan of quitting, of being the one to walk away.  my leaving was not voluntary, as planned.

the SO was laid off in june, when the US people still seemed to be debating whether or not our economy was in a recession, or going to be.  i didn’t know 100% how to help him at the time, beyond being there for him as he pretty much stayed home/took a ‘vacation’ from a 17-year-long career for about 3 months.  i knew that i could not hope to understand what it felt like for him, even though to a certain extent he was relieved and also saw his turn of events as an opportunity, a positive turning point in his career.  he too experienced an ongoing back and forth of emotions.

i recall that he said many of the things i have been saying, asked many of the same questions.  questions such as, ‘but i have been doing good work.  why me?  what were/are they thinking?!’ and he responds similarly as i did over the summer with, “it’s not (hopefully) personal, it’s just a matter of money,” and “it’s natural though, to feel discarded and dejected.  you’ll feel this way for a little while, but it will pass.” i think i can understand now how he and others like him who have been losing their jobs have been feeling, at least a little.

you can’t know what losing your job is like until you go through it yourself.

naturally, over the next several days and weeks, the focus of my posts may be on coping with a layoff, the beginnings of freelancing/entrepreneurship, and money management for debts, bills, and other on a very tight budget.

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coincidentally, this post and the one before are part of the Debt Bloggers Network’s november group writing project: reflections on the recession.  the following bloggers have also participated:

• how the recession has affected me (lulugal @ save money)
• how to survive the collapse of the american empire (ryan @ debt reduction formula)
• how will the economy impact your business? (control beating copy)