3 (out of 4) of coal

i’m not necessarily ‘a cat person’, but i don’t mind cats and i can’t resist kittens! last week i had the opportunity to adopt a kitten from my SO’s sister’s family. after much deliberation and a little procrastination on deciding, i turned down the offer (albeit a bit reluctantly).

it occurred to me that this might have been (at least) a small sign of (financial) maturity on my part. i faced a true ‘reality check’. ask me if i wanted to adopt a cute furry kitten a month or two ago, and i wouldn’t have thought twice about accepting. but things are truly different since i decided i was really tired of my ongoing poor financial decision making.

when the SO told me i could adopt the kitten for our home if i really really wanted to, i was utterly surprised. but pleasantly surprised. although he grew up with at least a dozen cats, with several of them sleeping on his bed at a time, he isn’t too excited about cats and is mildly allergic to them. he said though that it seemed really important to me, and so if i really truly wanted one, i could. but that he wasn’t sure if i really really wanted one, or if i was just enamored by the idea of having a cute cuddly creature at home.

needless to say, i was touched by his thoughtfulness and sacrifice and overcome with extra love. but something he said really struck me –

did i really want the kitten, was it truly that important, or was i just really into the idea of having one?

about a year ago, i gave up two black kittens that i had adopted from the humane society. i adored them. i had chosen them with care based on their cuddliness and playfulness. i named them nori and nibbler. but due to some personal financial stress and mental deterioration at the time, i decided to give them back to the humane society.

it was one of the hardest things i had to do in my life. i was somewhat heartbroken, but i denied the sadness from myself as hard as i could. i partially succeeded. it was a strange sensation. but at the time, i believed that it had to be done, that it was in everyone’s best interests.

but i regretted what i did, unsurprisingly. they were the best kitties that i thought i could have had, i felt so lucky. i loved coming back home and opening the front door slowly to peek in to always, reliably, find the kitties meet me at the door to greet me. (never mind that they probabably just wanted dinner! )

so perhaps you can imagine my enthusiasm and joy when the SO said we could have one! one of his sister’s cats, a black kitty named coal, accidentally got pregnant and had kittens a month ago — two black and white ones, one grey, and one black.

sleepy grey kitten

at first, i was drawn to the grey one. when only a few weeks old, s/he would wiggle and seemingly dance around when you rubbed his/her belly. it was soo cute! the other kitties didn’t do much yet. then as weeks passed and we visited them again a few more times, i realized that i was more drawn to the cuddlier black one. so i wanted that one instead.

coal's kitten

when the SO told me i could have one, i forced myself — my mind — to stop and think this through practically and realistically. his sister wanted to know what our decision was so that she could otherwise put them up for adoption on craigslist while they were still in the cute stage. i told him i would figure it out for sure within a day.

and i did think. i tamed my excitement. i got serious and asked myself several questions:

• did i understand how many years i would be committing to care for the kittie, if adopted?
• was i truly in a place in my life, in my mindset, where i could confidently say that i was ready (again) for that responsibility?
• what were my priorities at the moment, these days?
• would adopting a kittie be in alignment with my current set of priorities?

the fact was that adopting a kitten just wasn’t in my best interest at the moment. as i reminded myself of my priorities, i became more and more convinced (albeit reluctantly!) that i could not confidently adopt the kitten. i knew that i was right in exploring the uncertainty and hesitation i had initially felt.

my current priorities include:

1. paying off my debts (and so gaining financial stability and independence)
2. figuring out what i was going to do with my careers (continue programming f/t? go freelance? blog for a living? a little bit of everything?)

i thought about the costs that i would have to take responsibility for should i decide to adopt the kitten. i thought about the initial costs of litter supplies, scratchers, toys, pet carrier, the soon-to-be spay/neutered costs, the vet visits for shots. i thought about the ongoing food and litter expenses. i knew what to expect from the last time i had adopted kittens. i would use this knowledge intelligently.

i estimated that i would easily spend at least $500 somewhere between the first 3 to 6 months.

now, that’s not very much it’s true, in the grand scheme of things. and can you really put a price on the wonderful companionship of animals? but i had to be practical. i was tired of dealing with the roller coaster attempts at managing my debts and then soon after giving up for so many years because things came up or i got lazy or unexpected/unplanned expenses cropped up or a host of other excuses. this money could be and had to be used (or was already spoken) for my debt payments.

these thoughts have been most prominently in my mind. as a result, i could not profess to say that i was truly ready or could set aside the time and energy to care for another creature. when i get a few more things straightened out, i can then feel good about revisiting adopting furry critters. (and who knows — maybe we will be ready to adopt a puppy by then!! we see ourselves more as ‘dog people’.) but not right now.

right now, i choose to focus on cleaning up my financial act.